Mike Hanes

A journey "through the woods"

This is to reach those who have lost a brother/sibling, and or brother at arms

“Through the Woods”, is a song dedicated to the life of my brother and I growing up in the mountains of Georgia always spending time in the woods as kids and our frequent times hiking sections of the Appalachian trail together.  It’s such a feel good song that brings warm memories to my heart.  The song also commemorates the struggles that I endured while hiking the entirety  of the Appalachian trail in the few months after his death as a healing journey.  After my brother passed in 2018, I hiked the entire 2,200 miles of that trail from Georgia to Maine, passing through 14 states, and it took me seven months to do it.  It was common for people to ask, “what happened to you and who hurt you,” to folks who embark on such a journey.  Most people out there hiking were going through some kind of traumatic life change.  I needed every bit of alone time deep in the woods, all the trials and tribulations were like waters cleansing my soul and at the same time teaching me how to deal with such a close loss.

During my time in and after the Marines, I had some losses that were very difficult to cope with. I lost friends due to combat and also losses from the struggles after the war resulting in suicides.  I began losing more friends due to suicide than from immediate combat.  It was heart breaking every time I was blindsided by another suicide.  Every time that would happen, I couldn’t help but to get deeply depressed and find myself in a spiral of self blame.  It was all very tragic but nothing affected me in the way that I was affected when I lost my brother whom I grew up with and was basically a father figure to for all of those years.

Nothing could prepare me for the loss of my brother and I have never been the same since.  When I lost my brother, I just lost motivation for many things in life.  In the past I seemed to care more in general, but now I just seem to not give a shit about much of anything.  I use to care about causes, I use to care about Politics; all that out the window now.  Life just seems so trivial and so short to me.  It’s been exceedingly difficult to find joy in life and also overcoming my desire to completely isolate and avoid social settings.

My brother never was the most safety cautious individual.  He was always living life on the edge, ranging from doing backflips off a cliff into a river, or popping a wheelie on his motor bike on a major highway. He was a good guy though, the type of guy that would do anything for just about anyone.  If someone in town was pulled over with car trouble he always stopped, sometimes making him late for church service, but everyone loved that about him.  He was known around as the towns handyman.  He was adored but the elders especially loved  him.  He just had a way with the Elderly, always saying yes ma’am, or yes sir, and giving them a hand.  Through word of mouth, he had more business than he could handle.

My brother Matt was always a tinkerer.  He was always working on some kind of a project.  He had drift wood all over the house, little wood projects everywhere, and collected all kinds of cool rocks that were displayed throughout the garden and the house.  One day he was working on a word art burning project called Lychtenstein wood burning.  He was burning these lightning bolt looking designs in wood.  It was a dangerous project because it took a lot of electrical power to make these designs.  He didn’t have his safety gloves on, it wasn’t grounded properly and a little damp outside on the porch.  He turned on the power and the shock went right through him stopping his heart instantly.  The house then caught on fire. It was such a tragic accident!  The one bit of relief that I do have is knowing that the Coroner stated it was instantaneous and he wasn’t suffering.  He was making a piece of wood art for his 2 year old daughter.  I am so glad she was not there on that fateful day.

I miss my brother beyond words.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him.  I am almost mad at him because we were supposed to be there for each other through old age.  I feel a bit lost without him around.  I wish I could go back and just let him know how much I love him. I would give anything to have a few minutes with him again.  If I could talk to my younger self, I would have told myself to be more proactive with my brother and enjoy more time together.

I feel this way with other piers that I have lost due to suicide.  I wish I could go back and be more involved with them and just spend more time together.  I have a sense of responsibility and self guilt as if there was something I could have done or said to prevent them from dying.  I know others experience this when the ripples of suicide take its course and it can be such a destructive spiral.  I now know that I can’t blame myself for someone else's decision.  I know that they have to take responsibility, not me, and this is what the Legacy group has helped me with.  Learning how to accept death without self blame can be difficult at times.

I first came across the Legacy group in the summer of 2022. I was attending a Veterans Affairs Surf therapy group and Ian happened to be singing on that day.  He sang a few of the songs dedicated to some of the Veterans that was there and their losses.  I was amazed.  It touched me deeply to see and hear Ian sing and to hear what the people had to say about their loved ones whom the song was dedicated to.  At the time I was struggling greatly with the loss of my brother and two recent suicides of close friends that took place the previous summer.  I was intrigued and had to be a part of it.

As I spent time with the group, I began to look at things with different eyes and different perspectives.  These were not only Combat Veterans in the group but Mothers of Veterans that have lost sons, mothers and fathers who have lost sons due to suicide, wives who have lost husbands, daughters who have lost fathers, and people who came close to losing themselves.  We all began to give each other different perspectives through our stories and a unique strength through the support of the group began to build for all of us.  An understanding began to develop that only could in a group like this.

Some of the unique coping mechanisms I have been able to take from the group is to be able to with time, process the death of a loved one and come to more of an acceptance through the honoring of their lives.  For example, for all of their Birthdays and Angel days, along with the Mexican celebration of the day of the dead, I display their photos, light candles, make the food they would love, play music or drums and honor their lives, and have discussions of how they were.  Keeping them alive in out hearts and minds.  This has been a way to help me cope in a positive manner.  Also, around the time of die de los muertos, we do this in a social setting with a drum circle, which I never would do in the past.  In the past I would have just kept to myself but I’m learning to be more open to sharing with others thanks to the group.

I would say the most influential aspect of the Legacy group for me would be that it is so inviting in a positive way that makes you want to share difficult things. There was never any pressure to share things, only share as you feel. This has not been the case with traditional therapy methods that I have went through in the past.  One particular method I went through in the VA was called the constant exposure therapy method.  I honestly feel that method made things worse for me, elevated my panic attacks and night sweats and was just a nightmare.  Having to tell some of the most difficult parts of your experiences over and over and over again only increased anxiety and inspired me to distance myself from the VA for years after that.  I am fortunate and thankful that the VA is incorporating more holistic methods like the surf therapy group, being in water surrounded by loving people who understand and care, reiki meditation, trauma Yoga,  acupuncture with sound bowl meditation therapy and of course the Legacy group.

The time spent with the Legacy group gradually opened me up to alternative coping and healing methods with the crucial support of the group.  When my song came out “Through the Woods”, it gave me a way to remember and honor my brother with a smile.  Sure I still cry sometimes but every time I put this on, I can’t help but to end it with a smile and countless positive memories of our times together.  I know there are not very many groups that exists yet like this so I am very fortunate and grateful to have discovered this.  The unique make up of Veterans and non Veterans all coping with loss and sharing their thoughts, concerns, support, advices and just being there for each other every week gives us a kind of renewal to look forward to in the week.  We look forward to just being there for our tribe, and having that tribe is so important.  For the longest time, I always would isolate and avoid people, thinking I had to deal with this alone.  It was through the Legacy group and the Surf group that I began to learn the value of having a tribe.  I’ve always known that I can survive alone, but now I am beginning to understand that to thrive, we all really need a tribe.

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- Mike